Kristy Sinsara
Published: 2017-11
Total Pages: 180
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I sat down to write a book about "how to get your life back on track, after you've epically fucked it up" (which was the original title); however, what I ended up writing was more of a personal memoire of unbelievable tales, from triumphs to tribulations of self-destructive behavior to the ultimate self-awareness. This book is a self-awareness guide, a journey map for those wanting to change their lives. From homelessness to attempting several suicides, to constantly creating enemies, to being my own worst enemy, to breaking my life down to a level that was unrecognizable....to finally finding freedom within, and success of epic proportions professionally. I used to think I needed to avoid all of the train wrecks in life, until one day I realized that I AM the train wreck. I had become the picture below the "warning" sign. I had taken all of the abuse I had suffered as a kid and I had become someone who abused others, just in different ways. And I had spent a life justifying every shitty decision, and every fucked- up moment, because I had given myself a free pass to self-destruction. I took my father's mental illness and I became mentally ill, on different levels. I took the despondency of my mother and became distant from the world around me to a point of imploding. If the wind blew wrong it was just one more reason why I should just kill myself, end the madness, and stop the "crazy" that had become my life. I was always on the verge of "destruction" because I was always standing in the middle of chaos. Even when the world around me seemed peaceful, the chaos never subsided within me, so everything felt like anarchy and confusion. I COULD NOT SETTLE. I could never fully breathe. And I certainly couldn't allow myself to ever become immobile....for it is in the quiet space of reality where the silence becomes an overwhelming force of truth, and you realize in those moments that you are lost, and you have no single idea how to find your way home. I searched for truth anywhere I could look, and I wandered this fucking world over looking for something that would set right with my soul, and bring me back "home." Therapy, church, people, sex, alcohol, careers, money...it all came back empty for me, and it all made me feel more empty inside. Until one day I realized that this was the problem. I had to stop looking for myself outside of myself...but that's not easy to tell someone who has been self-loathing for 40+ years. ..."To turn within..".and "tell the truth?" These are two insanely difficult things to hear when you have been doing everything possible to NOT look at yourself and avoid truth at all costs. However, it was the excruciating first step of taking full responsibility for who I had become and where my life was, and ultimately coming to terms with the fact that I had personally participated in living my life, or purposefully not participated. If you've ever felt lost, to the point that you question if "lost" is just where you live -- If you've ever felt broken, to the point where you've questioned whether "broken" is just who you are -- If you've ever felt pointless, to the level of wondering if you should even carry on in life -- If you've ever felt ashamed, to the point where you have lied so much about your life you can't even remember what was truth from fiction -- And if you've ever gotten to a point where you're standing on the edge and you just can't do "this" anymore...and you are truly willing to give up, or give in to change...THIS IS YOUR BOOK. I wrote the fucking screenplay on self-destruction. But I also wrote it on self-healing, and learning to grow forward. Open your mind, and your heart, and be willing to heal, and grow, and change your life, from the inside out. Namaste my friend. Welcome to your future!
